UWFW Rules

2006-08-05T12:48:00.000-07:00

THE BASICS

All participants must come up with a funny name for their team and league.
Entry fee is $5 per team. Multiple owners of a single team are allowed.
1st, 2nd and 3rd prizes will be awarded to the top 3 finishers in each league. The prizewinners will be allowed to donate their winnings to the charity/PAC/non-profit of their choice, in the name of the wingnut of their choice.
Maximum of 10 teams per league.
Each league must have a neutral arbiter for point-scoring decisions.
The Player Draft will be conducted over six rounds, with each owner drawing lots for a set position (1-10 in a max. capacity league) for each round.
Each owner will start the draft on equal footing with other owners via a salary cap of $100 to spend on players. Owners can spend less than the salary cap to build their team, but cannot exceed it.
Owners will follow a UWFW master pre-draft salary list to determine how much an available wingnut costs.
Only wingnuts on the UWFW master list can be drafted.
Owners must draft six players at five positions to complete a team. They are: Wankerback (2); Eliminationist (1); Jesus Lady (1); Paid Shill (1); Team Wankfest (1).
All points scored by an owner’s players will be compiled by the owner and presented to the league arbiter by midnight of the first Sunday following the end of a week’s play.
All point-scoring plays presented by an owner MUST have documentary evidence to be considered by the arbiter for points.
All decisions by a league arbiter on point-scoring are FINAL.
Owners are allowed – and indeed, encouraged – to prod their wingnut players into making point-scoring plays. This is the true beauty of Ultimate Wingnut Fantasy Wankball: in other fantasy sports, owners have no control over their players’ performances. In UWFW, owners have as much power to goad a given wingnut into scoring points for them as they can manage.
A trade deadline of Week 7, or prior to the start of Week 8, is set.
No owner may exceed the $100 salary cap by means of a trade.
Trades at any time prior to the deadline must be approved by a league arbiter.

THE HONOR SYSTEM

Because point-scoring plays in UWFW are subjectively determined, sportsmanship on the part of owners and arbiters is strongly encouraged. Thus, while owners are encouraged to goad their wingnut players into scoring points, outright collusion with a wingnut player is not considered sporting.

POSITION-BY-POSITION BREAKDOWN

Wankerback

The Wankerback is the player who leads your offense. With the most scoring opportunities of any position in Ultimate Wingnut Fantasy Wankball, good Wankerbacks love having balls in their hands - especially when under pressure. Just as in the real-life wingnutosphere, this position is so vital to the team effort that UWFW owners are allowed to draft two players to fill it.

POSITION RULES: Wankerbacks must maintain blogs. All point-scoring plays for Wankerbacks must appear on their blogs; other media appearances (television, radio, op-ed columns, etc.) not reprinted or filed on their blogs do not yield point-scoring opportunities.

List of point-scoring opportunities for Wankerbacks

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Eliminationist

If the Wankerback is Ultimate Wingnut Fantasy Wankball’s field general, the Eliminationist is the workhorse who piles up the points for your team. Eliminationists have fewer point-scoring opportunities than Wankerbacks, but they make up for that discrepancy with powerful plays that can score 25, 50 and even 75 points. What’s more, the Eliminationist is not constrained by a blog – he or she can score in any publicly available media. A good Eliminationist is a seething, hateful proto-fascist with deep insecurities and an obsessive need to constantly document his or her violent, often racist fantasies.

POSITION RULES: Eliminationists don’t need no steenkeen’ rules! From the airwaves to the op-ed pages, and everything in between, Eliminationists are allowed to score points if legitimately documented by UWFW team owners.

List of point-scoring opportunities for Eliminationists

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Jesus Lady

Jesus Ladies make Jesus Lady plays. It’s wise to remember that aphorism when drafting this position. Whether it’s attributing a Divine Mandate to the sight of aquatic mammals in bodies of water or finding God’s Wrath in the rubble of disaster-hit population centers, the Jesus Lady invariably discovers the Grace of God in the things he or she enjoys (like brain-dead stroke victims) and the absence of same in things he or she loathes (like poor people). While the position doesn’t have many large scoring opportunities, rest assured a quality Jesus Lady will rack up the small gains for you, over and over and over and over.

POSITION RULES: As with Eliminationists, the Jesus Lady doesn’t play by Man’s rules. Or God’s, for that matter. Your JL may score points from pressbox to pulpit, as long as it’s verifiably documented.

List of point-scoring opportunities for Jesus Ladies

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Paid Shill

The Paid Shill is a professional pundit, TV personality or radio host who can score points for your team in a number of ways, all of them despicable. Often practicing a more oblique form of wingnuttery than Eliminationists, Jesus Ladies or even Wankerbacks, the Paid Shill nevertheless can be an integral part of a good UWFW team … and is the sole maker of the game-breaking Caught Shillin’ play.

POSITION RULES: The Paid Shill must be a media professional. Paid Shills can score points from any form of publicly available media.

List of point-scoring opportunities for Paid Shills

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Team Wankfest

The Team Wankfest offers possibly the best value-for-money in all of Ultimate Wingnut Fantasy Wankball, because each TW represents an entire community of wingnuts, often numbering in the hundreds … or even thousands. The scoring opportunities for a good Team Wankfest are, quite literally, limited only by the amount of time a team owner is willing to scour its diaries and comment threads for idiotic displays of wingnuttery.

POSITION RULES: The source of all scoring plays by a Team Wankfest is confined to the actual Web community it represents; however, all participants in the community - even the lowliest one-time commenter - can score for your Team Wankfest. The temptation may be large for owners to flout the spirit of the Honor System of scoring with regards to Team Wankfests, so try to maintain a sense of sportsmanship.

List of point-scoring opportunities for Team Wankfests